I’ve just come up with a sure-fire method to choose a qualified candidate for POTUS. Its beauty is in its simplicity. The candidate simply needs to correctly pronounce both of the following words:

  • Washington
  • Nuclear

There may be other reasons not to elect someone, but if the above rule is not met, it’s probably best to just disqualify the candidate outright. I hope this method helps you. Happy electing!

Indie Rockers for President

If I were running for President of the United States and The Strokes were my opponents, my attack ads would definitely paint them as elitists. I mean, come on, Upper West Side indie rockers with rich parents? The ads would write themselves.

Also, I think I’d add Sufjan Stevens to my ticket to get the evangelical vote. Another brilliant move from my campaign.